Things I Say to Cats That Make Me Sound Like a Creepy Old Man

An ongoing investigation into my own behavior.

There’s a very specific version of me that only exists around cats.

That version:

• Speaks in a tone I do not use anywhere else
• Says things that cannot be explained
• Would absolutely raise concerns if overheard without context

And yet…when there’s a cat involved?
Completely acceptable. Encouraged, even.

Let’s take a look at the evidence. 

“Come here…I just wanna talk to you.”

I do not just want to talk. 

The cat knows this.
I know this.
We proceed anyway. 

“Let me see your little face.”

Why am I saying it like that?
Why is “little face” the phrase

I cannot stop.

“Don’t run. Why are you running?”

The cat has done nothing but exist.
And yet I’ve turned it into a full interrogation. 

“Let me put my fingers in your mouth! I know you have something in there!”

Immediate concern.
Zero context.
High urgency.

“Who told you that you could do that?”

There was no permission system.
There never has been.

“You need to calm down.”

The cat immediately does not calm down.

“You’re doing too much right now.”

Said to a cat who:

1. Stared you straight in the eyes
2. Knocked over a glass object
3. Walked away

“Oh so NOW you want attention.”

After ignoring me for 6-8 business hours, the cat has decided I am worthy of love again.

The disrespect is layered.

“You think everything belongs to you.”

It does.

Legally? No.
Spiritually? Yes. 

“Get your foot out of there!”

Where is “there?”
Somewhere it should not be.

“You’re not even sorry.”

They have never been sorry.
Not once. 

“You win.”

I have accepted defeat.

Final Thoughts

Cats turn fully grown, rational adults into people who:

• Argue with animals
• Narrate every movement
• Make empty threats
• And speak in a tone that suggests we’ve lost control of our lives

And honestly?
We have.
And we wouldn’t have it any other way.