Things We Say to Pets That Would Get us Fired if Said to Humans

Let’s be honest: working in vet med means having entire conversations with patients who can’t talk back (well…except for that one Dachshund, and we don’t talk about him anymore). Over time, we develop a special language for our four-legged clientele – one that’s adorable, soothing, and wildly inappropriate if spoken to an actual human.

Here’s a list of things we say to pets on the daily that would 100% get us hauled into HR if we said them to a coworker, client, or heaven forbid…our boss.

1. “Who’s a chunky monkey? YOU are! Yes you are!”

What we mean: This cat’s gained some weight and may need a diet.
What it would sound like if said to a coworker in the breakroom: A lawsuit. It would sound like a lawsuit.

2. “Let me just lift your tail and take a peek at that booty.

Perfectly fine for a nervous Cocker Spaniel with suspected anal gland issues. Not so fine at a company happy hour.

3. “You smell like corn chips and regret today, don’t you?”

Just an affectionate observation for a funky-smelling pup.
Try saying that to Bella’s owner and see how fast HR books a meeting.

4. “We’re just going to take your temp real quick – sorry about the butt stuff!”

The phrase “butt stuff” should probably never be used in the workplace. Ever. Unless you’re a vet tech, in which case it’s used hourly.

5. “Okay little friend, don’t pee on me this time and we’ll be besties forever.”

Totally normal conversation with a nervous ferret.
Weird energy if whispered to the new intern..

6. “Open up that mouth! Let me see those teeth! Who’s got stinky breath?”

Said with love to an 11-year-old lab.
Said to anyone else? That’s how you end up on a watchlist.

7. “You’ve got such nice veins! Wanna be my favorite blood draw today?”

This is just how you flirt in phlebotomy.
Say this to someone you pass in the grocery store? Hello restraining order!

8. “You can growl all you want, little man, but we both know I’m still gonna trim those nails.”

Absolutely justified when addressing a cranky Shih Tzu.
Might be slightly threatening if said to your supervisor (0/10 – do not recommend).

9. “Even if you poop on me, I’m still going to tell you you’re perfect.”

Sums up the toxic devotion we give to our patients.
Not the kind of unconditional love you should offer in a performance review.

Honorable Mentions:

“You’re just a walking, snuggly sausage!”
“Who’s got the cutest little armpits? YOU DO!”
“Let’s boop that snoot and call it a day!”

VET MED: Where you can whisper baby talk to a drooling bulldog, get peed on, and still go home knowing you made a difference.

Try that in corporate America.